12 November, 2010

This weekend is about to be crazy. I'm like a jello mold. I do not travel well.

I am a finicky traveler. In many ways, i'm sure that lots of people experience travel the way i do but don't require a day to recoup. This weekend, i will find myself in a car for more than 8 hours (not consecutively, thank goodness) and on planes and in airports for more than 15. So many people travel like this on a weekly (and in some cases, DAILY) basis and it's astounding to me.

Being in an airplane is a small slice of my own personal hell. The recycled air, the cramped spaces, the impossibility for me to get comfortable enough to even try to fathom sleeping... even with pills... not to mention my ears hurt like crazy for up to 48 hours after a flight (yes, i have tried everything to "pop" them). People usually expect me to "hit the ground running" after traveling, but truthfully i usually need a day to recover. A day for silence, comfort, good sleep, before i am able to face the world again as my normal self.

I am however, extremely excited to see some friends during my travels! I'll see my friend Phil and his new wife in New York during my layover, I'll see my friend Jina for a photoshoot and maybe even her sister Mary, my dear friend and also my dad's neighbor Debbie and her beautiful family, my friends and ex-neighbors the Burchards and their new addition... not to mention my wonderful and amazing friend Megan - who i'll actually get to meet for the FIRST TIME in person! Last but not least, for the first time in two years, i'll be able to share Thanksgiving with my very own family. We are a small and broken little family, but we love each other. I'm very excited to see all my loved ones in Washington and only wish i could visit everyone i love back in the States all at once. But i'm certainly grateful for the time i will be spending there.

Things in Washington wont be all cupcakes and sunshine though. The main purpose for my visit is going to be to take care of my father while his wife goes to Utah to see HER family and her new grandbaby. I blogged a long time ago about the difficulties of taking care of my dying mother... and sometimes it's hard to think about going to take care of my dad. He's not dying - but... caring for a paraplegic (partial quadriplegic, as he does not have full functionality of his arms and hands) is no piece of cake. Every 4 hours, i will need to catheterize him and at other intervals throughout the day, give him medicines, help him go to the bathroom, clean and bathe him, help him dress, make his meals, and myriad other things. I'm sure i'll be one busy woman.
I'm worried that i will not do an adequate job and that i will cause some sort of calamity and never be able to forgive myself. I'm worried that i won't measure up as a caretaker because my feelings will get in the way.

It is my personal opinion that children should look after their parents as they age... but i'm scared that i won't do a good job. I'm not a parent.

At any rate my prayer is that i'll be able to stay positive and help my dad drag himself out of the depression funk he's let himself slide into. When i used to visit my mom while she was sick, it used to make her better for several weeks afterward. I hope that i'll be able to filter out the difficulties and keep a smile on my face and uplift my dad while i visit.


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