03 March, 2010

on the subject of health:

i must say that although i love myself... i do not love my body. i always remember when i was a young teen and i read through the magazines thinking "why does everyone have self image problems? these girls aren't that much thinner than me..."
I remember admiring my semi-flat tummy, and hating my funny-shaped thighs (which i have noted over the years are more normal than i thought). I remember being thin and buying cute clothes at the store without having to try them on. I remember the day i realized i have "backfat". I remember growing out of my jeans and attributing it to shrinkage instead of weight gain.

To this day, i have trouble with going shopping because it seems that all the stuff that fits my body makes me feel like someone i'm not ready to be. *sigh*
i've let myself get ... dare i say it? ::whispers:: fat. 

The problem ladies and gentlemen? self control. non-motivation. blah.
If there are sweets placed before me, i have to eat them. If there are sweets in the house that i know about, i have to eat them. ALL. In one go.
If there are NO sweets in the house, i have to make them. cakes, cookies, pies, puddings... mmm
*double sigh*

I have always loved sweets though. As a kid, my parents had to hide the M&Ms because i got little zits if i ate too many. As a teen, i discovered a love (ew) of fast food. I started putting on pounds and discovered that i could still enjoy my fast food but not the calories it added to my rear end... by barfing it up. Oh yeah. I totally did it. Went from a Soprano to an Alto in a matter of weeks, too.
I lost a little weight, but most of all, i gained a deep loathing of puking. lol! It's not like i enjoyed the way i looked in a bikini or anything... quite the opposite actually. I grew really really fast between child and teen and ended up with some amazingly dark purple stretch marks on the backs of my thighs, knees, and elsewhere.
In high school, i was required to take a P.E. class, and had the option of joining an aerobics class! It was actually fun to be part of a class doing it all together. We all got weighed together and measured and it was nice to have friends doing the same thing. I was accountable! i had to show up to earn a grade. I had friends there so i WANTED to go, and i lost some weight, so i looked nicer too (to myself).

So there you have it. I have struggles, ladies and gentlemen. Struggles with self discipline, self image, and sweets. Especially chocolate.

Over the last few months, i have been careful with my purchases at the supermarket, not buying candy, soda, or the like... but temptation gives way for even the strongest of wills, and i bought Nutella. I have a motto: Nutella makes everything better.
Except i find myself sneaking spoonfuls here and there. My motto should be: Nutella makes Shannon fatter.
Therefore i am making an oath before you, my internet compadres. A battle of wits with myself. I pledge to give up on sweets as much as i can without being rude (our friends offer me tea that i can't drink without a little sugar, and always have a bowl of sweets sitting around... which i suspect she places out just for me) and to make a real effort to exercise more.
At the beginning of Lent, i made the decision to give up meat, to exercise 20 minutes a day, and to drink more water. So far, i've been mostly successful at giving up meat. My efforts at exercise are lame at best. It's hard work to move all this weight around energetically. We're talking 45+ extra pounds on this body. Yikes!
I want my husband to have a pretty wife (even though he is convinced that i am beautiful just exactly the way i am. why else would he have married me? what a sweetie. i'm a lucky duck), i want to be more confident, i want to have more energy, and most of all i want to be healthy.
As a little incentive to myself, i saw some cute shirts on a blog post of someone that i look up to as a healthy, happy person. Emily and i first met when i was asked to take her wedding photos...(I stumbled upon her blog on accident, really and because i love food was instantly hooked)
She has a little give away on her blog for a shirt from foodtee.com which, if i don't win, i'll still probably buy. If i DO win though, i'll even pay the shipping :-) Nobody likes a winner who's unexpectedly far away (if i win).
I dont see any reason why 40 pounds in 4 months should be bad. They say that losing 8-10lbs a month is a healthy way to do it. My goal is to lose FORTY pounds before our trip to Poland in July.
Wish me luck! (and saying a prayer or two for me and my incessant urges to eat things i shouldn't would be very helpful)


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