27 February, 2009

a nervous bird...

Like a nervous bird plucks its feathers out when it feels anxiety- i pick at my skin. LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE TO MYSELF!!!
*hangs head in shame*



I'm actually bleeding!
stupid.

All this because my work environment has been stressful this week and it finally hit me today (emotionally).

26 February, 2009

Drama

dra⋅ma
   [drah-muh, dram-uh]

1. any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results: the drama of a murder trial.
2. the quality of being dramatic.

I do my best to lead a drama free existence. I don't do shady things, i don't lie or steal, i'm modest, and i don't deal with toxic people. I try my best to have a strict NO DRAMA rule.


However, i am a magnet for two things: Drama, and Bad Customer Service. (both are unrelated)

I dont know why drama insists on following me, but i suppose i'm learning that no matter what kind of life you lead, there will always be something. Unfortunately, i am dealing with drama in my workplace. It's a painfully uncomfortable, irregularly shaped square (i'd say triangle, but there are more of us involved...) where one person needs to talk to another and the manager needs to talk to both of them, and my friend and i are on the other corner wondering why the heck we got involved at all.
It's stupid. Not only am i placed in a position where it's uncomfortable to work, but it's just emotionally taxing for me, as much as i try to keep all of that out of it.

*sigh*

21 February, 2009

a very good day thus far...

WOW! What a great day!
i fill like blogging about it just might jinx it, but hey! it's worth a shot. the day is almost over anyway :-)

Firstly, I have been praying diligently that God would help my roommate and i find a suitable place to live. We have searched high and low for an apartment in our price range only to find them all in sketchy places. Safety for a couple of girls is important. It's always nice to feel safe where one lives. Today, our prayers were answered! An apartment that is about a mile from where i work is available. It is everything that we hoped for- has all the amenities that we wanted, and as an added bonus, it has a great view!
We put down a deposit to hold the apartment, paid our application fee, and walked away with joy.

After that, we went to Ikea! We looked around for a little while before my roommate and her boyfriend had to leave. I was just about to leave, when my friend told me he was on his way to Ikea too! It was fun to chat a little and walk around Ikea with him and his kiddos. I also made a purchase. Behold! My new lamp in all its splendor!
i decided that a desk lamp is difficult to wake up to. Too bright.
Now i'm looking around my room and thinking about all the lighting i have... I received a floor lamp for Christmas, I have the office lamp (that doubles as my iPhone charger), and several strands of Christmas lights in the shape of stars that i plug in periodically.
Fortunately, i rarely have them all burning at once, but it certainly is nice to have all this light to choose from :-)

Another nice thing that happened was i got to speak to my father today. He and i don't always see eye to eye as far as my life goes... But today when i told him of my plans to go on a mission this summer, and of my love for the Lord- he sounded proud of me. He was genuinely happy for my joy and told me he wanted to cry for happiness.
Coming from my father- this is a big deal for me.

So i want you to look up in the sky tonight. I'll be the one who's over the moon with delight in how wonderfully this day has been.

18 February, 2009

Jesus and Chocolate make me happy.

I have felt such an amazing closeness to God recently. It's been outstanding! I challenged myself to pray more, to pray with more meaning, and to put my mind and heart in the right places.
In a sense, get more in touch with my "spiritual".

I have. It is wonderful. I can't help but feel like i'm supposed to be worth something. I'm supposed to make a difference.

When i was young, i was raised to believe that as a young adult i was supposed to go on a church mission to another place and teach the gospel of Jesus Christ. I was supposed to share God's love with others. When i got married, i was no longer allowed to go, so it was just a dream that never got to be realized. How i longed to go though... i wanted it with my heart. Insomuch that whenever i tithed, i paid money towards a "missionary fund" that my church created to help pay for those who wanted to go but couldn't financially.

I am a divorcé and no longer attend my childhood church for personal reasons. However, i have found a church that i DO feel at home in. A place where i DO feel like i truly belong. I feel motivated to help and be part of a community of Christians.
I've made a big decision in my life that took a lot of emotion and a lot (i mean, a LOT) of true, honest to God, soul searching. I had to find myself again. I had to let God touch my heart again. I had been closed off for so long.
My decision is to be baptized! What better symbol of leaving my old life behind and starting anew with Jesus than baptism?

I look forward to my baptism (which is the weekend after Easter) with all the anticipation of a giddy child the night before Christmas. In my heart, i've already come to Christ. I am already there- i just get butterflies to think that i'm "announcing" my new life in front of God and EVERYONE!

Moreover, i am excited that i will be putting in an application to join a mission trip to Dungannon, Ireland this summer. The plan is to team up with our sister church there and rush their community with love and service through God. I can't wait to turn in my application and see what God will have me do.

08 February, 2009

taking little things for granted.

Little things like being able to pick up an item from the floor, bending over to tie your shoes, emptying the dishwasher... these are daily tasks that when one throws out their back- they are no longer able to do.

Last night, i threw out my back. It wasn't the worst thing ever. I've done it before- had to relax for a day- and move on with life, right? Well this time in particular was no different... until today.
I went apartment shopping with my new roommate today and yes, my back hurt the entire time- but i could still walk. I could get in and out of her car. I traversed stairs. No problem.
The trouble came when i got home to help set up for the Ugly Sweater Party. I bent to empty the cat boxes. Pain. I went downstairs to collect garbage (which involves bending). Pain! I bent over to get something for Ashley... PAIN. It was the last thing that did me in though.
I went to go upstairs, lifted my leg for the first step--- couldn't move. Tried to shift my weight to the other leg... wasn't happening. Basically, i was very stuck where i was. The repeated attempts to get somewhere (i like to try to convince myself that it's all in my head and still do things despite the pain) were excruciating to the point of frustrated tears. i finally lost my balance, unable to correct it- i landed on the stair landing right on my contusion (from a year ago that is horrible. do. not. touch) which is on my leg, and jarred my back even further which was the most intense, violent pain that i have ever, EVER experienced.
Sobs were issued, for all i could do was kneel on my hands and knees and cry- but crying hurt. Sobbing ACHED because it jerked my back. I was embarrassed because i couldn't move out of the position i was in- and worst of all, i felt like a jerk because this was supposed to be my party, and i couldn't help.

It took everything i had in me to move off the landing and lay on the floor next to the stairs. I cried for a couple minutes- moaned in pain... you know... wuss stuff (lol) and after composing myself- decided to call a friend of mine who is a massage therapist and was attending my party.

In broken english (broken because i had to stop and cry out now and then because my back would tense up and hurt beyond words) i asked him if he would be able to help. He said, "i'll be there in an hour."
and he was!

he brought his massage table and everything! more or less, LIFTED me onto the massage table and seriously did something that was magical.

After he was finished, i was still in pain- but to a much lesser degree. I could at least walk. With his help- i was able to go upstairs and join the party-
As the party continued, my back improved!
It still hurts to bend, laugh, and twist- but i can walk. i can lift things from waist height, and i can go up and down stairs without much ado.

The party was a success. Thanks to my best friend and her husband who were wonderful enough to pick up my slack in cleaning the house and getting everything organized after my back incident. We had 29 guests, and have about 25 ugly sweaters to donate to goodwill.
We had hearing friends and deaf friends alike, all of which were awesome and with the help of those of us who are hearing and can sign, (including myself, there were three of us) we were able to get everyone's points across.
I had a lot of fun- and after everyone left, i was actually able to help clean up, which made me feel better.

06 February, 2009

ahh... widget blogging. Truly a wonderful invention. It allows me to take my thoughts during the work day and place them in one little place. 

First, i would like to say how excited i am for Saturday! I am meeting with a friend i met through church to discuss the details of moving in together as roommates. I have no qualms about living with my best friend (with whom i currently reside) but i feel bad because i moved in just one month after they purchased their new home. Not to mention i miss my cat. I would like very much to have her here with me.

Health coverage! Ahh! i would like to have it, considering i haven't since nineteen ninety never. I looked up some rates online though, and these people will not stop calling me! AND they're pushy to boot. Sometimes i just want to yell into the phone, "Hellooo! i can't afford a doctors visit (if i had to make one), obviously finances are tight! Give me some time to think it over!". i'm sure that would not make someone's day.

05 February, 2009

Anxiety.

I dont know about you, or others... but i believe myself to have anxiety. No, i have not been diagnosed. No, i didn't look it up on the internet and become a hypochondriac. I have had a weird feeling almost daily (sometimes multiple times daily) that makes my heart beat faster, increases my breathing, and gives me something i can only describe as vertigo or uncomfortable butterflies in my chest. Sometimes it's frightening, most of the time i can control it. Usually it is not situational, in fact i believe one has to feel stress in order to be anxious... which makes me doubt myself. I'm a very laid back individual. I have my moments where i get frustrated with a situation- but they are very infrequent and rarely does day-to-day life bother me in the slightest.
I am a young adult that has had some rough moments- as such, i am not amazingly financially stable, my car has impending trouble, and i am on the search for an apartment- these things, i understand, stress other young adults out. Any combination of the above might be enough to send an acquaintance of mine into a tizzy about the possibility of a lost job or car... to me- these things are part of life and i frequently apply my motto "Life is too short to be unhappy."
it is my belief that this motto has kept me at an emotional plateau.
I do not know how to deal with this Anxiety other than offer it up to God and pray that he takes it from me.


Often times- it has helped. Others, not.
I wish i knew a way to keep it from happening on a daily basis. It surprises me that i can be sitting calmly (like now) not concentrating on anything terribly difficult... and suddenly feel the effects.
I suppose i'll just deal with it until otherwise informed on the matter. I do not consider it a hindrance to my lifestyle and i've been dealing with it since i can remember.

Speaking of dealing with things... i think it has come to a time where i need to schedule an oil change. LOL!
Actually it weighs on my mind every time i drive my poor car. I drove it from Seattle almost the entire way across the country in September- it is now January. I have checked the oil levels, when it's low, i add the appropriate amount of oil... You know- there was a time when i could change my own oil. I could go to the store and buy the right oil, the filter, and all that jazz.
There was a time i was unafraid.
That time was a very long time ago.
Insomuch that i have a goal to make time this week to take my poor, poor car to WalMart and have its ghastly black tar changed for something a bit lighter in color. There was a place in Washington state that i liked called Oil Can Henry's. They treated me and my Blueberry (for that is the name of my car) like royalty. They refilled all my fluids, checked all my connections, changed my oil, and washed my windows. They gave me a free newspaper, and a cup of coffee (if only i drank it...), and all this for the bargain price of $35!
This does not include the $5 coupon that i received each time as an incentive to return.

Oh Oil Can Henry's... how i miss thee.

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