14 March, 2009

the shape of change.

Perhaps some people dont realize or appreciate what a different (for the better) person i have become in six months. I'm noticing that shadows of my past are trying to come back and haunt me- what they don't seem to notice, is that i'm not the same person who cast that shadow. If a square casts a square shadow- it's completely understandable. But when the square chips off it's corners and becomes a ball, the shadow changes too.
I feel like i'm a ball on a cloudy day (no shadow) and my square shadow is chasing me as i roll along the road.
Besides. i'm not looking for a shadow. I'm looking for an equal.

Things i needed/settled for/wanted when i was still in my old life are not the same things i need/won't settle for/want now.
I know what i want. I know what i need. I know where i want to go in life (sort of) and i know who/what/attributes will hold me back from where i want to be.
I know what kind of life i want and to be honest- i've worked really hard to start that life since i've been here.
I'm digging myself out of debt, pulling myself closer to God, standing on my own two feet, and working hard at my life. I need someone who is responsible, loves God as much as i do, and is stable! I need someone i can look up to... i'm done feeling held back.

Not only that- but i'm not looking to waste time in my already short life by molding someone into what i want them to be. A good relationship is about compromise, yes- but it shouldn't be about changing from a square to a dodecahedron because it's a vague resemblance of a ball.
A ball needs a ball (or an oval, or an oblate ellipsoid)...

if that square shadow wants to follow me around- fine. i dont mind being the inspiration and support to become something better for the shadow. But i'm not looking for a 2D resemblance of what i used to be. I need the real thing.


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